You don't even know what you don't know.
Often clients come into my office realizing that they're missing something in life, but they're not sure what. They're unsatisfied, hurting, frustrated, perhaps bored. But they don't know where to go from there. My main job as a counselor is not to eductate or direct them, but to come alongside. Coming alongside is about validating, making space to slow down, listening carefully, and leaning into the cracks and inconsistencies in a client's perspective.
I would rather ask you a question than give you an answer. Sometimes the question is enough to help you realize what direction you need to walk. What I'm really asking is a question you have, but perhaps haven't had the insight or confidence to ask. I'm just giving you symbolic permission to be curious.
For example, I might ask you, "What do you really want?" That prompts a self-discovery process that I never could have (or should have) lead you through. You have to go yourself, but I will be with you. Or, "What would happen if this goes well?" Many people spend so much focus on what is wrong that they don't see what could go right.
What about in couples therapy? What kind of questions need to be asked there? The above questions can be revealing to hear one another answer. I've also found the counseling office to be a great place to help couples become curious about each other. Many spouses want to know their partner, but don't know how to get to know them. Don't people who are already married know each other? Yes and no.
In a culture where we get to pick our partners (rather than our connections being arranged by our families), we've at least done a little bit of vetting before tying the knot, but may I remind you that humans are complex. They start out that way, being mulit-layered, but also change over time! Different stages and experiences bring new needs, insight, and emotions. The day we make the mistake of thinking we already know our spouse is the day we stop trying to know them.
This isn't just about sex, but the conversation often starts there. Women are notorious for ever-changing desire, which can make for a very fun (or very frustrating) pursuit. The drive to connect through sex really is about knowing and wanting to be known, but in a culture that teaches male-pleasure-centered sex, we can miss the boat. Ready for more satisfying sex? Get curious about your partner and their experience, both inside of sex and out! How do they work?
Here are some questions to get you started:
What was one good thing that happened today and one difficult thing?
How are you feeling?
What are you thinking about right now?
What is that like for you?
What would feel good for you?
How would you like for me to care for you right now?
Natural curiosity starts small. It notices something of interest and follows the trail. Do you like your partner? What do you actually want to know about them? The more questions we can give ourselves permission to ask, the deeper we will get into intimacy.
Want to learn more about sex and connection? Check out my online course, The Truth About Holy Sex: A Workshop for People Who Love Jesus and Want to Love Sex.
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