"Oh my gosh, why are you always telling me what to do? You're such a control freak!"
"Seriously?!?! You rearranged the dishwasher after me again?!? You have control issues."
"Why are you always trying to guilt me into doing things? I don't like being manipulated."
Being annoyed by other humans trying to control us might be one of the most universal experiences of living in an individualist culture. We hard-core shame each other and develop resentment quickly around anyone who tries to manage us. But what you might not realize is that a sense of control is one of our most basic needs. If a person can't find it within themselves or their own territory, they likely will try to find it by controlling others.
In a world that often feels out of control, many of us are quick to try to lock things down. Not being in control, or feeling we should be able to control, but aren't, are both common trauma narratives. Living with abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, can absolutely amplify the need. If your parent was a bully in any way, you likely feel a high need to control things (or people around you).
Sometimes people develop their sense of control by hyper-focusing on food intake. Sometimes they find it by acting out (against whatever the rules might be). Sometimes they find it by bossing others or focusing on minute, stress-inuducing detail management. Sometimes they find it by just being disagreeable. The problem is that none of these methods is fully effective and just begets more controlling behavior.
How is your sense of control? Take a minute and consider your level of serenity. If you're feeling panicked, angsty, or generally disatisfied with many of the people around you, it might be time to establish a healthier sense of control.
Ask yourself,
What am I actually responsible for?
What things are actually within my control?
How can I take better care of my own territory, my own sphere of influence, so I can see the results and rest after taking action?
How can I take kinder, better care of myself so that I can feel more in control?
No one feels in control of themselves all the time, but if we practice shrinking our territory to a reasonable size and give ourselves the grace to focus only on the tasks possible today, we will increase our sense of peace both within ourselves and with the rest of the limited world. Faith in the good God bigger than yourself can also bring a great sense of calm. Not because we feel in control of Him, but because the things we can't manage, we can lay in the hands of a good caretaker.
Unsplash Oladimeji Odunsi
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