Human beings are wired for connection. Research shows us that we all function better when we are loved and cared for by others, but you probably don’t need science to convince you. Anytime you’ve had a rough day, a friend noticing and paying attention to your pain brings loads of relief. Fun experiences double in joy when shared with someone you care about. And accomplishing a goal in tandem with a group with equal values brings a rush of purpose and enthusiasm for more good work together!
But community is not always a joy. It is also the source of our greatest pain, tremendous stress, and deepest disappointments. When connection doesn’t go well, we suffer. Being committed to relational health is essential for long-term peace and satisfaction. But where do you start? First, let’s define our terms.
What does it mean to be codependent?
Codependent describes an enmeshed, confusing relationship in which it is unclear where one person ends and the other begins. Individual responsibilities are undefined and the people in the relationship are reactive to one another, rather than stable in their responses.
Codependence in Relationships
To relate to another person codependently is to assume power over or responsibility for them, or to assume that they are responsible for you, like a parent would be for a child. (This term does not refer to explicitly agreed upon terms of authority, such as employer/employee, coach/athlete, etc.)
People in codependent relationships can struggle to take responsibility for themselves and their own needs. People in codependent relationships can be overly responsible for others. They often expect others to care for them or assume too much responsibility for the well-being of others.
Family of Origin and Attachment
To understand the building blocks of connection, we need to look at the way connection evolves naturally. Human development happens in the context of a family (healthy or not). We start as children, deeply dependent on our caregivers, then launch into adolescence where we need them slightly less. If things go well, we then shift into adulthood, still maintaining relationships with our parents for support but are no longer dependent on them. As adults we are also able to care for the needs of others.
Healthy connection lies in the balance between caring for our own needs, allowing others to care for us, and successfully caring for others.
Our experience with our family of origin sets us up to see the world through a particular lens. Social scientists call this lens “attachment.” When those experiences are mostly positive, we tend to be able to keep connecting with people throughout our lifetime in a successful way. This is called “secure attachment.” Throughout our lives, our primary attachment can shift from our parents to a partner or even a friend, which means healthy attachment can continue or heal if needed!
Emotional Childhood
Because as children we’re dependent on others to get our most basic needs met, we’re keenly aware of the health and well-being of our primary caregivers. If they are in trouble, we will instinctively sacrifice what we need to care for them. We intuitively know that if they’re not ok, we won’t be ok.
But children need to be able to freely play and learn in order to develop. A child who is having to parent their own parent doesn't have the freedom they need, which can result in psychological damage and developmental delay. Having to parent your parent as a child is a form of emotional neglect, as children aren’t fully equipped to carry the needs of adults.
This is the catchphrase of codependency: I can’t be ok unless you’re ok.
But closeness to our caregivers in childhood also teaches us a very important lesson: togetherness. We’re together with our parents because we’re so much like them. We speak the same language, we wear the clothes they pick out for us, we like the same music and go to the same church. We believe what they believe, eat what they eat, and go on all the same vacations with them. In fact, we can be so together with our caregivers that it can be hard to tell whose territory is whose. Are we responsible for cleaning our home, or is that our parents' job? If we lose our minds throwing a fit on the floor of the grocery store, is that the child’s fault or the parents’? Even society can’t agree on who is responsible for what.
This is a visual representation for emotional childhood where the two humans are together, but not separate:
It’s a powerful, good experience to be together with our safe caregivers as children. In fact, it can be a little bit scary or painful to not be like your caregiver. To be different can bring a sense of shame, whether your caregiver intentionally sends that message or not. We instinctively know that sameness protects us. It keeps us close to those caregivers who are providing our basic needs. Togetherness is a necessary and important lesson to learn in childhood.
But this type of closeness isn’t appropriate between two adults. It’s confusing and builds resentment if one adult depends on another adult like a child. It would also be inappropriate for one adult to take over responsibility for the health and well-being of another adult. It keeps the dependent adult “stuck” and underdeveloped, behaving like a victim.
Emotional Adolescence
Adolescence is a good time to learn a different lesson: separateness. We still instinctively know (albeit less intensely) that if our caregivers are not ok, we will not be ok. While we still need them, we’re trying hard to learn how to do things on our own. In fact, we’re making significant effort at this point to connect with new potential attachment figures (like a romantic partner or a best friend).
There is more clarity about whose territory is whose, but not entirely. Who should pay the teenager’s cell phone bill? Pack the teenager’s lunch? Wash the teenager’s laundry? Parents definitely don’t agree on these topics and decisions differ from family to family. This is evidence of the ongoing codependence.
Adolescents feel more grown than they are, which means they fail often. When they fail, there’s a huge chance they will feel shame. They wrestle again with fear of being less competent (and thereby different). But this time, instead of absorbing the shame and feeling like being different makes them bad, they tend to throw that shame at their caregivers. “Dad that music is so stupid!” “Mom, why are you wearing that outfit!” Parents can also easily becoming shaming of their adolescent children, thinking they're incompetant and bad, rather than recognizing they are rightfully, appropriately learning as they grow, partially through failure!
You might notice at this point, shame is a symptom of codependence.
Here is a visual representation of emotional adolescence where the two humans are separate, but not together:
Adolescents often emphasize their differences from their parents, sometimes even choosing differences reactively (rather than authentically). They will suddenly say they dislike something that they have liked all of their lives. They will resist agreement and dramatize their woes as a way of showing how different they are (and how your way is wrong).
An important trick for parents of adolescents to learn is to allow some differences without shame. You don’t have to like what they are doing, but you can respect their right to choose differently, and believe that they may find a different way than you that works just as well. If it rubs you the wrong way, step into the other room and put your headphones on. Give them space to figure out what they authentically like, without pressure to conform or defy your preferences. This trick will help you maintain a relationship with your teen, thereby preserving your ability to have influence on their lives long-term.
While learning separateness in adolescence is important and healthy, it would not be healthy for grown adults to maintain this level of hyper-independence. Human beings in general function more successfully when they have support from others and are able to cooperate and collaborate with other grown adults without demanding they be outstandingly unique.
Adults who remain emotional adolescents tend to be obstinate about their choices, yet still expect others to rescue them and handle the messes they make. They direct shame at others for having different methods. Being codependent with this type of emotionally immature adult means preventing them from learning from their appropriately-earned consequences.
Emotional Adulthood
Becoming an adult means learning to take responsibility for all of our own needs, but also knowing how to access the help we need in meeting those. It’s not that we no longer need care from others, but that our skills and resources increase to the point that we can diversify where we get that care. We are no longer helpless and we are no longer obstinately independent.
Emotional adults are able to be ok, even when our primary attachment person is not ok, whether that be our parent, our partner, or a best friend. Not that we stop caring about their well-being, but we no longer desperately need them. We have the stability to care for ourselves, even when they fail to meet our needs.
This is differentiation: We know how to be both together with our favorite people and separate from them.
Differentiation is the goal of healthy relationships. It is healthy to eventually differentiate from our parents and from our significant others. We want to teach our kids how to differentiate. We even need to differentiate from our workplaces and our religious organizations! No single attachment should be so necessary that the full weight of our adult life is on them.
We want to be able to find similarities and things we can work on together and be able to step away (both physically and emotionally) from each other when we need a break or we have a different interest. The health of our intimacy depends on the health of both our togetherness and our separateness. We need common interests and shared pleasures, as well as unique experiences and the ability to share different emotions with each other.
Because we’re navigating separateness and togetherness, clear, kind communication is a necessary skill we have to learn. We need to be able to advocate for our unique needs and recognize and respect others’ needs. We need to respect each other’s right to decide how their needs are met. We can offer help, but not manipulate our way into fixing others’ lives.
Differentiated adults also ask for help, but don’t demand or expect others to read their minds or provide for their needs (without an explicit agreement). We need to be able to prioritize stewardship of our own needs before pouring our lives out in the care of others. Anything else is codependent and will result in burnout.
Here is a visual representation of emotional adulthood (or differentiation) where the two humans are both together and separate:
If you’re ready to differentiate, ask yourself these questions…
What is in my territory? (eg. my thoughts, my emotions, my behavior, my health)
What have I been feeling shame about? (Disempower that shame by sharing it with a safe person like a professional counselor or non-judgemental friend).
What personal needs could I do a better job of taking care of?
How could I do a better job of asking directly, clearly, and gracefully for what I want from others?
What is not in my territory? (eg. others’ opinions, others’ problems, others’ emotions)
What have I been judging others about? (Is it possible that what seems like a black and white issue might actually be a matter of perspective?)
How could I do a better job of taking myself out of others’ business?
Differentiation in Couples
Couples go through developmental stages similar to children. When they first get together they are often very excited and over-emphasize their similarities. (Think about how you and your beau wore matching sweatshirts in high school). They are establishing togetherness. Then they move to figuring out if and how they can be separate. This brings conflict and the potential for shame. If they can’t navigate the separateness without losing connection, this is the point at which they break up.
But healthy, long-term couples are able to develop a sense of both togetherness and separateness. They stop being codependent and differentiate. They both behave like emotional adults, prioritizing connection with each other and alone time.
Differentiation within the Self
Interestingly, individuals also go through developmental stages in relationship with themselves! This might sound like dissociative identity disorder, but in the psychotherapy world, we call it “Parts Theory” or “Internal Family Systems.” It’s the idea that each individual human is made up of different parts that play different roles for the personality. You might have a protector, a manager, and a firefighter!
A healthy, whole, integrated person can utilize different parts so that they work well together, rather than fighting each other. Internalized shame is often a sign that the parts are not fully differentiated. They are struggling to have separate perspectives and still work together. A step toward personal differentiation might start with identifying the different goals and values you have in your life (sometimes competing!) and then sort through how you’re going to consistently get your needs met in the midst of the pursuit of those goals.
Differentiation in Community
A person who has done their work to differentiate (from their parents, their partner, themself, etc.) is able to successfully connect with others. They are able to accurately identify and express their feelings and needs. They are able to take responsibility and not blame others. Because they’re good stewards of themselves, they have the capacity to care for others and meet others where they are, rather than demanding care or projecting their own feelings onto others. They are able to listen without giving advice. They are able to back up and take some space when they need to rest and recover from stressful interactions.
Even if others in your community are not differentiated, a differentiated person can still operate with a sense of peace and calm. Having such a good understanding of needs and boundaries for yourself sets you up to be able to connect lovingly. You gracefully accept that other adults are who they are, limited beings in various stages of development, and are responsible for their own problems and emotions. You don’t have to try to force them to have better behavior and can step back if their behavior becomes too obnoxious to you.
And differentiation begets differentiation! When you start owning yourself and stop owning others, others will begin to feel the weight of their own lives! Your healthy living models healing for others.
For more help recovering from codependency, Brandi's book on healthy sexuality, The Truth About Holy Sex covers the topic more in depth. Or consider her online course on the same topic.
Comentarios