Last week my teenage boys got into yet another fight. Not physical (thank God), but emotional and ugly verbal. I know it's typical for siblings, but it makes me sad nonetheless. I want them to love each other and enjoy each other, neither of which was happening in that scenario.
When they got home we processed together with a few guidelines and they did so well! There are so many adults who can't handle themselves the way my boys did in that moment. I was so proud of them and encouraged that they could work through such high emotions with one another.
Here were the guidelines they followed:
Take responsibility for regulating your own emotions. If either one of them would have become too elevated, we would have had to stop the conversation. Once someone has flipped their lid, there's no more rationale to be kind nor gentle. I was playing referee, but I didn't want to be in the position to tear apart two raging dogs. They had to handle themselves or we would have had to just go to bed till their brains could calm down.
Come in humble. Both boys had fault, I knew, but if either of them would have been unwilling to own their part, they would have just done more damage in the argument. Anyone in conflict needs to be ready to own what they've done wrong, or at least what they've done that has harmed the other's feelings. I wasn't willing to let either boy play the complete victim, nor take full responsibility when it should have been shared.
Take turns. There had to be room for both brothers to share their experiences and to be validated. That can really only happen one person at a time. They each deserved the chance to express their own perspective and ask clearly for what they needed from the other. Just battling back and forth with words, each person trying to yell louder to be heard and understood is almost never productive.
Before we began the discussion. I asked both boys to agree to the above expectations. They did and then navigated a successful conflict together, with barely any intervention from me.
We're not always able to resolve things the way we did the other night, but for this round I am so thankful. It will be a while before things are fully repaired, as they both acknowledged it takes time to practice a new habit in how we treat each other, but I believe we're walking the right direction now. They both reported feeling understood and seen. I believe that translates to feeling loved. I pray you are able to resolve things in your own family in the current holiday season.
Unsplash Jonathan Pie
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