When I was thirty-five years old, I walked into work one day and decided that coffee sounded good. I hadn't been much of a coffee drinker before that, just gratefully partook when someone else poured me a cup with dessert. But for whatever reason, that morning it sounded good.
The problem? I didn't know how to make it. Read directions on the bag in the break room? I don't think so. So I knocked on my coworker's door and asked him to show me. He LAUGHED. "You are thirty-five and don't know how to make coffee?!?!?" He then proceeded to show me step-by-step, but with much snark. Because he was my good friend, I just rolled my eyes as I endured his mocking.
Contrast a few years later when I would regularly make coffee every day at 10 to take a break from building our house. By that time I'd become quite the coffee snob, with a grinder, gourmet roasted beans and a Chemex. One day, my eight-year-old saw me moving to make the coffee and asked if he could do it. "Sure! I'll teach you. No problem." I was thankful for the offer and proud of him for wanting to try something new and serve our family. I gently showed him, step-by-step, encouraging him all the way. No mocking. I was just proud of him.
Same instructions.
Completely different tone of voice.
While both of these approaches were equally effective, they represent a crucial difference in the way we can talk to one another. When we assume you should know something already, we often can't help ourselves but throw a little shade as we instruct. We suggest with our tone that you are an incompetent idiot, shaming you in every little word. "Really?!? You don't know how to make coffee at thirty-five?"
Unless you're good-naturedly joking around like my coworker, this shame is painful. And particularly painful coming from a partner.
I get it. Sometimes it is quite amazing how adults can get through life without knowing some basics. But the truth is we all miss stuff. We all need the grace to fail safely and then learn, even at thirty-five, fifty-five or eighty-five.
If we could all just be a bit kinder when we find one another struggling, I think we could make it out alive together. The world is difficult folks. Be the gentle spot when everything else feels hard. Anybody want to teach me how to cook chicken?
Unsplash Tim Mossholder
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